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Battle
As I tried to know more of how friends around me are faring in this world, I began to compare their status to mine. I definitely pale in comparison when talking about financial status. The only thing comparable that I have is having a stable relationship with a life partner, which I have come quite far as compared to some of my peers.
Due to this comparison, I could easily fall into depression as I began to self-doubt my own intelligence, my ability, my decision making, and my image etc. A pure sense of low confident engulfs my heart. What went wrong, why am I so incompetence, why am I earning so little?
My battle against depression rages on.
The empathetic angel in my heart keeps telling me that I need not compare with everyone better off than me. There are always people less well off than me. I should be happy with what I already have, and work on to improve on what I have.
Yet the cunning devil in me keeps putting me down. He wants me to see the fragility of my life. He enlarges my weaknesses, while showing me how well others are doing. He forces me to bow down and give in to fate, so that he can destroy my life completely.
A part of me keeps on fighting the forces of evil and keeps reminding myself not to give up. A part of me keeps making me see how a failure I am, homing and digging in to my confidence in life, trying so hard to destroy it completely.
Luckily there is a pillar of support that helps contain the devil inside me. She is XY, whom I find my last remaining strength from. Nothing is for certain, thus I can’t help but fear the possibility of life without her.
Perhaps life would be much simpler without much thinking. There are people who do not plan for their future, living life by the day. Can I afford to be like them and ignore the uncertainties in life? Or should I resign to fate that I am much less competence than my peers?
In fact, I have never doubt my own ability until I see what the people in the world are producing. I may be happy with my design or work, then one day I saw someone else’s work, I got so embarrassed with the standard of work I did.
So tell me how should I face such reality? The angel is telling me to get up, find ways to improve and win the competition. The devil is telling me that I am simply not good enough, and I am good at none.
When I was at AFA 08, my friends asked me to make a drawing onto the area where visitors are allowed to add in their manga drawings. I saw two types of people. There are people who are happy to contribute their drawing even though their art are clearly out of proportion and certainly below-par, while there are some who contribute their really good talent and skills in drawing. My possible production would only stand in as a mediocre or even as a below-average piece of work. Hence I declined any suggestion to show my drawings.
My question is - what makes those people contribute their drawings when clearly their skills are not on par with others?
Even when it comes to working, a company may hire someone who claims to be competent in excel. When he starts work, he didn’t know how to use v-lookup function, macro etc. that is required in his work. Yet he dares to apply for the job and live off his company.
Similarly, I do not use adobe illustrator but certain job description states must be knowledgeable in adobe illustrator, do I just ignore that requirement and act as if I know?
There are again two types of people I see. One is someone who is less conscious of things around them and the other one is someone who looks at things more seriously.
Maybe I should start to worry less, and fight my way through. Perhaps like kung fu panda, who has no talent in kung fu, fighting his way in the world of martial arts. Eventually finding his way around it.
I do have similarity with that panda. I am fat and with dark eye circles. Hope I will find my way one day too, before it’s too late.
As I tried to know more of how friends around me are faring in this world, I began to compare their status to mine. I definitely pale in comparison when talking about financial status. The only thing comparable that I have is having a stable relationship with a life partner, which I have come quite far as compared to some of my peers.
Due to this comparison, I could easily fall into depression as I began to self-doubt my own intelligence, my ability, my decision making, and my image etc. A pure sense of low confident engulfs my heart. What went wrong, why am I so incompetence, why am I earning so little?
My battle against depression rages on.
The empathetic angel in my heart keeps telling me that I need not compare with everyone better off than me. There are always people less well off than me. I should be happy with what I already have, and work on to improve on what I have.
Yet the cunning devil in me keeps putting me down. He wants me to see the fragility of my life. He enlarges my weaknesses, while showing me how well others are doing. He forces me to bow down and give in to fate, so that he can destroy my life completely.
A part of me keeps on fighting the forces of evil and keeps reminding myself not to give up. A part of me keeps making me see how a failure I am, homing and digging in to my confidence in life, trying so hard to destroy it completely.
Luckily there is a pillar of support that helps contain the devil inside me. She is XY, whom I find my last remaining strength from. Nothing is for certain, thus I can’t help but fear the possibility of life without her.
Perhaps life would be much simpler without much thinking. There are people who do not plan for their future, living life by the day. Can I afford to be like them and ignore the uncertainties in life? Or should I resign to fate that I am much less competence than my peers?
In fact, I have never doubt my own ability until I see what the people in the world are producing. I may be happy with my design or work, then one day I saw someone else’s work, I got so embarrassed with the standard of work I did.
So tell me how should I face such reality? The angel is telling me to get up, find ways to improve and win the competition. The devil is telling me that I am simply not good enough, and I am good at none.
When I was at AFA 08, my friends asked me to make a drawing onto the area where visitors are allowed to add in their manga drawings. I saw two types of people. There are people who are happy to contribute their drawing even though their art are clearly out of proportion and certainly below-par, while there are some who contribute their really good talent and skills in drawing. My possible production would only stand in as a mediocre or even as a below-average piece of work. Hence I declined any suggestion to show my drawings.
My question is - what makes those people contribute their drawings when clearly their skills are not on par with others?
Even when it comes to working, a company may hire someone who claims to be competent in excel. When he starts work, he didn’t know how to use v-lookup function, macro etc. that is required in his work. Yet he dares to apply for the job and live off his company.
Similarly, I do not use adobe illustrator but certain job description states must be knowledgeable in adobe illustrator, do I just ignore that requirement and act as if I know?
There are again two types of people I see. One is someone who is less conscious of things around them and the other one is someone who looks at things more seriously.
Maybe I should start to worry less, and fight my way through. Perhaps like kung fu panda, who has no talent in kung fu, fighting his way in the world of martial arts. Eventually finding his way around it.
I do have similarity with that panda. I am fat and with dark eye circles. Hope I will find my way one day too, before it’s too late.
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